Some Thoughts Arising from "There Isn't Someone Out There For Everyone, and Yes You Might Die Alone" (Part 2)

I find that Catholic women share articles all the time about how the Catholic dating situation sucks, but meanwhile you don't often get to see what the men would say about it. I asked Catholic gentlemen for their opinion, and this is what one of them had to say. (See Part 1 before reading this, and the article from Matt Fradd that sparked this whole conversation)

Words from a Catholic gentleman reflecting on Matt Fradd's and other articles:

For every Catholic woman who posts an article on the lack of marriage options blaming the situation on Catholic manhood, there is a Catholic man who has had his day ruined. This is because many of those articles have a man-hating quality to them (for example, the assertion that some majority of Catholic men are porn addicted and emasculated) that makes the sting of many rejections of sincere desire for courtship hurt all the more. A feeling of "I'm doing everything you've told me to do so why is the rejection so consistent" comes over, “you” being the Catholic apologetic establishment and the countless people (apparently mostly single women and happily married rural families) who cheer it on.

That’s the issue, however. “Everything you’ve told me to do” runs through the mind of both Catholic men and women, and it betrays a checklist mentality of self-actualization divorced from comprehension of the outside world. The world is a place where God reveals His Will to us, so if the serious and observable dearth in young Catholic Marriages is to be solved we have to look at the world around us to make distinctions and connections. Specifically, looking at the way economics determines our lifestyle and the related mistakes Catholics make in their quest for marriage, then acknowledging some realities we see in research about how humans form attraction are the steps I propose.

They are all linked when you actually work through it mentally. Looking at employment statistics of the last century, birth rates, marriage rates, and sheer oral history we all have from knowledge of our parents' and grandparents' lives, it is clear that in the pre-globalized world there was a family-supporting job waiting for men after their schooling. There was also the social expectation that people dated diversely and often in their teen years in order to be ready to start a strong and well-chosen marriage in their 20's. Now people barely even date in their teens, shifting it to their 20's while marriage has been postponed to ages 28-35 in both religious and secular circles. Full-time jobs with benefits are also scarce for a slim majority of both men and women. It’s a mixture of economic necessity and lifestyle choice (no one wants to “waste” their 20's), and if you are a Catholic woman in her 20's who has prioritized career advancement while also rejecting the overtures of potential suitors, then you are indeed part of this trend no matter how much you proclaim the beauty of marriage and the cross of being single.

Mistakes both genders are making in the Catholic world to pursue marriage correlate to this new economic picture. If you tell me “correlation does not equal causation” I will reply that correlation also does not equal coincidence. When two things exist in the same context, they correlate and influence each other. Of course they don’t determine each other; that’s where our wills come into it. Having said that, the mistake men are making is undercutting their own potential in life and playing it safe, socially and jobs-wise. It is quite easy to support oneself with 1-2 service jobs with highly flexible schedules, spending free time with social circles and hobbies you enjoy. Leaving your comfortable, low-stress wage job to suffer months to years of unemployment, underemployment, skills upgrades, and high stress work in a more advanced field (often leaving your community to find the experience you need) is a struggle. It’s more of a struggle when you have limited opportunities to even socialize with women, most of whom abhor your Faith and the ones who don’t are implicitly clear that they either will not contemplate courtship until they are 30 or unless you have the wealth to buy a home within a year of getting serious. The feeling that it's impossible to earn a woman's respect and love without lots of money and great looks has increased due to this reality. In this environment where being unambitious has rational processes to justify it, sloth is instantly normalized. The sloth of putting mental and emotional comfort ahead of growth does not make social or physical needs and desires go away however, making sloth and lust partners. I don’t need to tell you about the epidemic of porn use and masturbation’s allure to those who successfully reject porn. 

Women conversely I am quite convinced are guilty of emotional masturbation as well as egotistical masturbation about a predetermined and self-determined life path. Emotional masturbation is simple: creating fantasy men in your head who are glued to your every thought, whim, and need that real men can never match up to. These fantasy men also are expected to lay their heart and life on the line for you without the slightest hint of social interest or reciprocation beforehand. Egotistical masturbation is more nuanced but clearly present. The huge imbalance between male and female achievement in schooling as well as post-graduate employment reflects one thing and creates another. It reflects that the mental skillset needed to navigate modern education and the average corporate ladder, mainly multitasking, is shown by much neurological research to be natural and heightened in a majority of women while unnatural and challenging to most men. The idea created by that success rate and the cultural narrative that female empowerment is purely a matter of economic self-determination sees most Catholic women pursue a job-focused life in their 20's identical to secular counterparts that simply does not leave much time let alone interest for courtship. An average 20-something woman is spending most of her week at work, and the time she spends with men is short and functional, leaving no room for the social connections that engender attraction and romance. Segue number two achieved.

Just like CS Lewis's point about physical masturbation creating an entrapping harem for men, I think emotional and ego-based masturbation is trapping women. That point risks becoming the old and inaccurate canard that men are more about physical satisfaction and women more about the emotional. The fact is women do have carnal desires and men do get very emotional (often with no tools to express it creating a 0 or 100 dynamic). The canard gains validity though in terms of how relationships initiate it seems. Men tend to notice looks right off the bat when meeting a woman, and it seems social skills, status, and bread-winning ability get noticed by women first. For Catholics, these human considerations and the divine considerations of true, open, Catholic marriage inadvertently drive people to put the cart of Marriage before the wagon of dating and social interaction. Every male, Catholic or non-Catholic, has had the experience of following up with a girl to see if they want to do coffee again, to then receive an essay explaining how she is “just not ready for a relationship”. Guys too in the Catholic world seem to cut off basic one-on-one social interactions because they don’t view that girl as “Marriage material” (who exactly is this material?). Even when the reality of a spectrum of relationships between stranger and spouse is accepted, both guys and girls want the perfect 1-2-3 moment of initiation, neglecting the fact that most women need emotional and social security in their dealings with a man before forming attraction, while men need some sort of affirmation before laying their heart on the line.

One unfortunate consequence of the standard life experience for 20-somethings is the “hook up culture” where night life is treated as a hunting ground for short-term sexual partners. There is now a lot of scientific research from respectable relationship and social researchers, as well as anecdotal evidence from less respectable “pick-up artists” that one can peruse and contrast with their life experience. Actually, considering that some pick-up artists have thousands of case examples (forgive the vulgarity but it’s reality at the moment), it becomes less anecdotal.

What shines out in both bodies of literature, and that any male who has successfully earned the romantic interest of a female can attest to, is that comfort and qualification (I like being with this man, he is fun and intriguing, and he fits my standards for a partner) have to be present before a woman commits to a relationship. Most overtures happen too soon or too late, with that comfort and knowledge totally absent due to the man being unnatural thanks to a voice in his head obsessing over how to make the overture. Men in turn are not terribly interested to pouring themselves out to a woman if her responses to basic attempts at conversation, invitations to socialize, and later online communication are confusing, bland, or non-existent.

God comes first, and He puts people in our lives for a reason. Let’s be in the world but not of the world by paying attention to it without disqualifying every possible spouse that’s actually in our lives with standards created by the world. If you’re prioritizing career, accept that it’s going to take a lot of activities when you’re exhausted from work to meet new people. Accept too that the vast majority of your interactions with people need to be purely social with no ulterior agenda. Guys need to take the risk of breaking comfortable habits and making themselves vulnerable. Women need to take the risk of giving a man who doesn’t fit their abstract ideas of the future a chance, accepting that real love and short-lived emotional fervour are two completely different things.